Forget Who's Who, this is the definitive list of Scottish greats who really count
Another list of top Scottish people has been compiled and provides more evidence that some significant people in this country ought not to be allowed out on their own. Who's Who in Scotland has asked each of the people who feature in its latest edition to name the top 100 Scots of the last 25 years. I am assuming the invitation was only extended to those who are still alive, but I hae ma doots.
According to these people, Donald Dewar is our greatest countryman of this period, but it gets worse; the Queen Mother, the egg-stained old soak who hated Gandhi, is number three. I'll concede that Dewar may possibly be the greatest Scot who has ever represented Glasgow Garscadden at Westminster, but even that accolade was tarnished when he committed one of the biggest political blunders of all times: allowing Derry Irvine (later Lord Chancellor and part-time painter and decorator) to run off with his wife. Previously, it had been thought impossible for Irvine to have succeeded even in running off with the wife of the deceased at an Armadale funeral.
Almost as politically catastrophic was Dewar's idea that devolution would kill off Scottish nationalism. Now the place is swarming with them and we'll soon be posing for our Scottish passports and being forced to recite "Scots Wha Hae" at our citizenship interviews in 2016. Thanks, Donald.
The shallow Who's Who list includes the usual predictable assortment of the worthy and the well-behaved. It could have been compiled by Ethel and Gertrude over tea and bannocks at the Morningside parish church needle-exchange fundraiser. And so, once again, I find myself having to compile a list of real Scots heroes to remind us what really makes the country brilliant.
I have been helped in my endeavours during this enterprise by some hand-picked chinas and philosophers from Glasgow's golden triangle of Vroni's, Urban and Rogano. There is only one house rule in the compilation of what is already becoming known as the Who Iznae list. You can never appear on the list two years running. And we also opened it up to non-Scots who have been resident for at least 10 years.
The last time I mapped the nomenclature of civic and cultural Scotland's cr�me de la menthe, I included such cultural icons as Jim Baxter, Hot Shot Hamish and Sawney Bean, the deeply misunderstood Ayrshire cannibal who has since lent his name to a chain of high street coffee emporiums. So it's farewell to all of them.
Here, though, is the new top three in the people's list of all-time heroic Scots. A full list of our top 100 is available on request.
Tommy Sheridan
This was a very controversial choice and threatened to rend the judges' unity asunder. Some argued that the erstwhile Scottish Socialist party leader should be barred owing to his lifelong love of sunbeds. It was thought that this was irresponsible in an age when skin cancer rates are going through the glass roof. But I felt that Tommy's championing of the lit de soleil, as it's known in Maryhill, was courageous and condign. It allowed otherwise peely wally Glaswegians to hold their tanned faces aloft in polite company and let their neighbours think they'd been to Santa Ponsa or Majorca. It was great for self-esteem and was utterly inclusive and carbon-friendly.
Tommy is also the only Scottish politician in the last 25 years who actually had political principles that helped others. He led opposition to the poll tax, intervened to stop warrant sales and went to prison to stop Scotland being a dumping place for nuclear weapons. In the end, he was undone when the state spent �2m proving that he had lied under oath in court in a case against the News of the World. But not before treating us to the most entertaining trial in Scottish criminal history that included the sort of imaginative carnality only previously witnessed at Caligula's sleepovers.
Neil Lennon
The head coach of Celtic FC has been resident in Scotland for 10 years. During this period, he has had death threats that now number in double figures. He has been the victim of at least two serious assaults and has had bullets sent to him in the post. Websites have been designed specifically with the intention of inviting people to describe the best ways to kill him. This year, two attempts were made on his life when live bombs were sent to him. He was attacked by a Hearts supporter during a game. This is all because for many people in Scotland he represents the sum of all fears: the bogeyman of childhood dreams. He is a Catholic from Northern Ireland with a serious attitude and a face that when angry looks like he's been chewing wasps.
Many of these people, though, think that he "brings some of this upon himself". It's a bit like saying that black people could have avoided racism if they'd been a little less, well? black. Yet there has been virtually no outrage at his treatment displayed by any political party. Lennon loves Glasgow and will not be forced out. A true hero.
Bon Scott
Scotland has a proud and noble history of providing troubadours and front men to the worldwide rock industry, yet none can eclipse Ronald Belford Scott for sheer heroic excess. Bon was born in Kirriemuir, the Angus village that also reared lesser cultural luminaries such as JM Barrie. He fronted AC/DC, the finest rock band in the world, before dying in 1980 after downing a 40 ouncer of vodka at one sitting and choking on his own vomit.
Yet such a tawdry demise should not detract from his greatness. He was the guiding cultural influence on such classics as "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" and "Highway to Hell". Who can forget his sensitive and thoughtful rendition of lines such as: "You gave it all you've got, weighing in at 19 stone" on "Whole Lotta Rosie", an inclusive ballad celebrating the larger female form which was a healthy antidote to other damaging body messages that can lead to eating disorders?
Requiescat in pace, Bon Scott, a grateful nation salutes you for reminding us all that we need to get back to the basics of community living.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jul/03/kevin-mckenna-great-scottish-heroes
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