A grown woman owning a celebrity perfume is an obvious sign that things aren't quite right, but there are plenty of other style disasters to set the alarm bells ringing
A friend of mine recently went home with a young woman after a party. However, before he, you know, got down to business, he went to use her toilet and spotted Britney Spears's perfume in her bathroom. He promptly made his excuses and left. Was that unreasonable? And what are other similar style deal-breakers?
Dave, by email
Your query with regard to the reasonableness or otherwise of your friend's swift exit can be quickly resolved. Simply put, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a grown woman in possession of a celebrity perfume must be in want of some psychological help. "Your friend", Dave, was reasonable and wise.
With regard to the latter issue, ah me. It's so tricky, isn't it? Life, I mean. At last, you meet someone at a party who doesn't want to make you bite off your own arm to give you an excuse to leave. You go home with them, and what is about to happen starts to happen ? only for you to realise that their carefully chosen mood-assisting album is The Greatest Hits of Kasabian.
Oh sure, there are the danger signs to look out for on arrival in the house of a new encounter: posters of the Third Reich, a Ku Klux Klan hood hanging on a coat hook, books by Jeremy Clarkson ? but these are obvious. It's the little things that really count. After all, as anyone who's been in a relationship knows, few end because of the dramatic discovery of a secret love child; most die because of a fight over why one of you forgot to buy lightbulbs.
Few details speak as loudly as someone's style choices because, superficial as they may seem, they are what your inamorata or inamorato elects to wear all day. Hence, they are actually more indicative of a person's true self than the books on their shelves, of which 35% were gifts from other people, 10% were freebies, 25% were bought just for show, and 85% are unread. (Incidentally, according to a recent scientific survey, the current book to flaunt for pulling purposes is Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. Seriously, only one in 17 of the people you see carrying that book around town are actually reading it. Fact.)
Now, in some ways your question surprises me, Dave, because I'd have thought the fashion warning signs would be obvious. Of course, having said that, if they were as clear to everyone as they are to those of us with a professional eye, no man would ever wear Ugg boots.
So, in a handy cut-out-and-keep guide, here is Ask Hadley's list of What Not To Have In Your Wardrobe For The Good Of The Perpetuation Of The Human Species:
Men Ugg boots; anything by Ed Hardy; anything made out of mesh; jeans that have any kind of embellishment; jewellery of any kind; anything tie-dyed; bandanas; Crocs; leather trousers; T-shirts with writing; T-shirts that claim the wearer went to a posh university; fake tan; makeup (and, yes, concealer counts); cologne; baseball hats (unless you are a professional baseball player in which case, carry on); colourful trousers.
Women Ugg boots in any colour but brown (and even that is a bit of a stretch); anything by Ed Hardy; anything made out of mesh; jeans that have any kind of embellishment; anything tie-dyed; Crocs; leather trousers; T-shirts with writing; T-shirts that claim the wearer is cute/hot/bootylicious; celebrity perfumes; trucker hats; an unused wedding dress primed and ready.
Now, the beadier-eyed of you might have noticed there are some similarities between the lists. That is because, hey, men and women? They're not so different. In the end, everyone wants to be loved, everyone wants someone who makes them laugh, and, most of all, everyone looks bad in Ed Hardy.
There seems to be a correlation in the US between how rightwing a woman is and the bigness of her hair. Why?
Holly, New York
Now, this is a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario, Holly: is their hair big because they are rightwing, or are they rightwing because their hair is big? Many assume the first scenario but, in fact, it's the other way round. You see, it's only by inhaling massive amounts of Elnett that a woman can attain the necessary brain freeze so she won't slash her own tongue out when she hears herself saying things such as "[Women who are raped should make] what was really a lemon situation into lemonade" (Sharron Angle) or "Taxes are like abortions . . . Both are grotesque procedures supported by Democrats" (Ann Coulter). Just like the women themselves, the answer is simple.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/07/fashion-celebrity
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